Sometimes the holidays can be a little depressing, and if that hasn't been the case for you yet, just listen to this song and you'll get there.
From Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics, although not seen in the TV special that accompanied it, this stand-alone song takes a light Christmas melody and adds layers and layers of existentialism to it. Download your copy of Dead, Dead, Dead here! (If you have trouble, you can also hear it here.)
We've had our share of Home Alone discussions recently (as I'm sure you all have), and our family remains divided over the necessity of Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. On the one hand, it's a reasonably well-made, amusing holiday film, and it showcases New York City at Christmastime in a way that makes you want to be there.
On the other hand, IT'S EXACTLY THE SAME MOVIE AS HOME ALONE.
Frenetic family preparing for Christmas trip? Check. Oversleeping? Yep. Mix-up leading to Kevin's disappearance being ignored by his entire extended family while on a plane? Mmm-hmm. Interaction with inept burglars Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern? Of course. Wise elderly misunderstood friend who helps Kevin at the last second? Got it. John Williams in full Christmas mode? Absolutely.
That last one is the inspiration for today's song. The Home Alone theme has become a common Christmas soundtrack since the movie came out (in fact, you now often hear the song, "Somewhere in My Memory," on your official radio station that plays all-Christmas carols). We're serving up the end theme from HA2LINY (that's how it's abbreviated), because while it's spirited, it's also a little shouty. Enjoy a John Williams full orchestral barrage with Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas!
Norm MacDonald might be our favorite comedian ever, and we don't care what you think of him.
His album, Ridiculous, has some great comedy sketches on it (one lets us listen in as Mr. Fantastic gives the other members of the Fantastic Four their names...), and includes this interpretation of The Twelve Days of Christmas, where Norm finds out just what it would feel like if his true love actually gave him the song's gifts...
Needless to say, it isn't pretty, as you probably guessed.
Yes, we live in Florida, but Stephanie's love of Jimmy Buffett goes back to our NJ days. In his only Christmas album, 1996's Christmas Island, Jimmy contributes this ode to a Carribean Christmas, Ho, Ho, Ho and a Bottle of Rhum...
It's silly, and has steel drums and whistles, and it doesn't sound particularly Christmasy, but this is what Christmas for Parrotheads sounds like. And today was around 80 degrees for us, so what do you expect us to listen to?
The terrible, kind-of wonderful Bob Dylan Christmas album, Christmas in the Heart, rewards its listeners with Bob's barely-alive versions of many popular holiday songs.
Today's gift is Bob's rendition of Must Be Santa, which reimagines this childrens' favorite as a zydeco bar song. Accordians battle Bob's croaky vocals, and it's hard to believe Santa will actually make an appearance in what sounds like a fairly dangerous place.
This time of year, you're probably looking for a version of the traditional hymn, "Oh Come All Ye Faithful" that sounds exactly like "We're Not Gonna Take It," right? The Pauls have got your back...
Download Twisted Sister's version of Oh Come All Ye Faithful, and you'll be instantly transported back to the mid 80s, as Dee Snider and his band make a Christmas song into a stirring anthem (and I swear there's a cowbell in there...).
I have to be honest -- I really don't have any idea where I got this song. It's almost as if Santa himself put it among my files.
Zoomah the Santa Claus from Mars was released in 1957 as a B-side, and it's a lesser-known Christmas song sung by Barry Gordon. His big hit was Nuttin' for Christmas, which was featured in last year's collection, Happy Jew Year, because he was a Jewish person singing a Christmas song, which again applies here. This one has that same "annoying-neighbor's-kid" quality to it, and the subject matter places it clearly in the UFO-obsessed 1950s. Try this one out the next time you go caroling!
The new issue of Entertainment Weekly, featuring the "Entertainers of the Year," features a tribute to Trey Parker and Matt Stone (written by Sandra Bullock!). Before they conquered Broadway, Trey and Matt could always be counted on for great musical moments on South Park, and their wonderful Christmas CD, Mr. Hankey's Christmas Classics (released a week before the episode of the same name, in December 1999), belongs in your collection. Today you can download Eric Cartman's ode to one of the most thoughtless holiday gifts, the Swiss Colony Beef Log...
By the way, it was this episode of the series (with its nods to "Christmas in Hell" and a sing-off between Santa and Jesus) that led Russian prosecutors to attempt to ban the series.
You don't see them much anymore, but back in the 70s, you couldn't get through the Christmas season without the traditional variety show Christmas extravaganza. This one, from the Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour, feautres guests including Bernadette Peters, Captain Kangaroo, and, I believe, Shields and Yarnell. Since this requires the video to really bring home its insane holiday spirit, here you go:
Even a recent star makes an appearance here -- yes, it's Dancing with the Stars' own Chaz Bono (although back then he was going by the name "Chastity," and he was a girl). Could the trama of seeing his/her Mommy, Cher, kissing Santa Claus have led to transgender issues? Or did the inclusion of Elijah Blue Allman, Mommy's new son with Gregg Allman, cause confusion in a show featuring her/his Mommy and Daddy singing together?
Looking at this, I think we could easily put together a Kardashian sisters variety show. Get on this, E!
Well, we promised Christmas in the Stars (the Star Wars Holiday Album), and we're delivering.
This song, R2D2 We Wish You a Merry Christmas, is notable not only because it's a Christmas carol directed toward a robot, but also because of the primary singer on the track. You see, this album was recorded in 1980, and it was produced by New Jersey's Tony Bongiovi, who asked his cousin (employed as the sweeper of the studio floors at the time) if he would do the honors. That cousin's name was John Bongiovi, and this would be his first professional recording. Later that name would be cut down to the more familiar... Jon Bon Jovi.
And now you know... the rest of the story. About how Jon Bon Jovi sang a song to R2D2. Merry Christmas!
The Beatles have always been associated with Christmas (well, maybe not George so much...). When they first burst on the scene, they recorded yearly Christmas messages to their fans -- and my bootleg album of those Christmas messages was stolen when I was in college, so you won't be hearing any of those.
Paul McCartney committed Wonderful Christmastime on us, and John & Yoko dutifully remind us each year that "War is Over," but not much attention is paid to drummer Ringo Starr's holiday contribution, I Wanna Be Santa Claus - which you can now download for yourself.
It's actually kind of a fun song, and the whole CD is pretty festive (if a little drum-heavy), so it's defintitely recommended if you can borrow a copy from the library!
Our beloved Punk Rock Xmas album gives us this classic by the band Bouquet of Veal, and our first chance to slap a NSFW warning on a Christmas song this year. Download your new favorite Christmas punk rock song, It's Christmas, here!
This song earns its cred by name-checking The Dickies (and their version of Silent Night), and provides the most nihilistic Christmas vision in our Advent Calendar so far. Oh, and in case you were wondering, It's Christmas also reminds us that this holiday is "not for the Jews." Still, in the spirit of giving, feel free to download no matter what your religious background...
We included this song in our 2009 compilation CD, A Stocking Full of Crap, but we keep coming back to it at this time of the year. If you haven't heard Suzannah plaintively trying to convince her parents not to commit holiday larceny, you need to download Mom & Daddy Please Son't Steal for us this Christmas now!
I've never found much information about this song's young singer, Suzannah, but hopefully she's in a foster home now, and she's able to get through Christmas without the guilt that makes this song great.
When 30 Rock aired their first Christmas-themed episode, "Ludachristmas," in 2007, this brief holiday tune was included as part of the closing credits. In it, Tracy Morgan, as Tracy Jordan, was apparently put in front of a microphone and asked to ad-lib for half a minute. Download It's a Jordan Christmas for the weirdness!
By the way, the first 5 seasons of 30 Rock are available on Netflix Instant right now, so it's a great time to go back and rewatch the terrific holiday episodes, many of which guest star Elaine Stritch as Alec Baldwin's mother (unfortunately, I am in no way compensated for this promotion).
It is our humble opinion that 2008's A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All is the best holiday special of recent years, and today's Advent song is a bonus track that wasn't seen on the show.
In A Cold, Cold Christmas, Stephen does a note-perfect parody of those country Christmas carols -- the ones where the singer stops to talk through one of the verses -- and the song would be perfect for you if your relationship just ended this holiday season. Enjoy!
If you're one of those people who hate every other holiday throughout the year except Christmas (and you know who you are, you Arbor Day haters...), have we got a song for you!
Download "Nobody Don't Like Christmas" right here, and you'll be treated to arguably the best song from Pokemon Christmas Bash, as performed by Meowth (the cat thing with the Noo Yawk accent who was always hanging around with the bad guys). This was released in 2001, at the height of Pokemania, and it's a typical example of a quick Christmas record cash-grab tied to a popular licensed property. (And it does indeed mention Arbor Day!)
Actually, we don't see many of this kind of album anymore -- like Christmas in the Stars (the Star Wars Christmas album, which will probably contribute a song to our Advent calendar). Shouldn't we have a Twilight Christmas album? Or one featuring the Real Housewives? Maybe next year...
As we begin December, it's the perfect time to celebrate the best parts of the season, which include:
Crass commercialism
Dated movie tie-ins
Surreal live-action bastardations of our childhood animated holiday memories, and
Busta Rhymes
And so, we present to you... Grinch 2000! (Either click on this link to open up Quicktime within your browser, or save the file to enjoy this horrible song on your own computer!)
Yes, it's that Jim Carrey/Busta Rhymes duet from Ron Howard's How the Grinch Stole Christmas that we all loved 11 years ago! Oh, wait... "love" and "Ron Howard's How the Grinch Stole Christmas" don't belong in the same sentence, do they? Equal parts nonsensical Busta rapping and Jim mugging (in his trademark Grinch voice!), they continually namecheck each other and sort of tell the Dr. Seuss story. This is apparently where we were musically at the turn of the 21st century.
